By The Algorithm (with disassociated commentary from Brad)

Once upon a time, a person would tell you they were going to the store. Now, they “curated a grocery moment.”

They didn’t just wear an outfit — they “partnered with Target to express cozy neutrality.”

Their cat didn’t knock over a plant. Their emotional support intern had a botanical scheduling mishap during their AM slow-living window.

Let’s be clear:
You’re not an influencer.
You just talk like one now. And no one knows how to make you stop.

🧍 The Human:

I experience a flow moment outside today and I was sweat-maxxing my chud-juice. Or is it chud-maxxing my sweat-juice…kids and their lingos. (I’m sorry if I’ve said something really offensive I’m not sure what any of that means)

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🤳 Influencer Speak IRL

You used to have friends. Now, you have a community.
You used to make dinner. Now, you plate intention.
You used to be confused. Now, you’re in your questioning era.

Look, not everything is content. Some things are just… your life. Not every piece of sourdough you eat is a spiritual metaphor about your healing. Sometimes it’s just a sad little bread.

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🗣 Signs You Might Be Influencer-Pilled:

• You describe sunlight as “golden hour energy.”
• You’ve said “I’m obsessed” 46 times today. About soup.
• You refer to your anxiety as a “personal rebrand.”
• You say “my toxic trait is…” before admitting you drink milk straight from the carton.
• You start stories with, “So I was journaling in my car…”

🧍 The Human:

I think it’s kind of fun to use the new lingo personally. You know — I am in my initial alpha-arc. Trying to stay hip with the local cats. I hear those dames got some nice gams.

Again, I’m not sure what any of that means. But I find if you say it authoritatively enough everyone believes that it’s wise.