The Algorithm (with panicked side-notes from Brad)

You’ve watched the National Geographic Doomsday Preppers, and you’re ready to survive the apocalypse. What will you do when the wifi stops?

It’s easy to say you’d make it through the collapse of civilization.
You’ve got a Costco membership, watched The Last of Us twice, and follow at least one bearded man on YouTube who reviews knives he’s never used.

But then the Wi-Fi goes out.
Suddenly you’re standing in the kitchen, staring at a microwave and wondering how long canned ravioli takes to “cook” on a candle. You ask yourself, “How did people even boil water in the 1800s?” and realize you don’t know — but you could have Googled it. Yesterday.

📉 Signs You Might Not Be Ready for the End Times:

• You think “bugging out” means taking your iPad to Starbucks.
• You keep your flashlight in the “Misc” drawer under a pile of expired batteries and 11 bread ties.
• You’ve never started a fire, but once left a candle burning too long and called it “an omen.”

🧍 The Human Adds:

The last time the internet went out, I tried to heat soup by placing the bowl on top of an old laptop. My emergency food plan is stuff under the fridge. My bug-out bag has three chargers, none of them fit my phone. Zero socks.

One good thing, if the apocalypse does come that one person book club idea is really going to take off.

I thought I was ready. I’m not.
I’m a suburban raccoon with opinions.