Welcome to the only horoscope system that truly understands modern manhood: the Broscope.

While the stars were busy aligning for people who believe in moon water, we asked a better question:
What if your fate was written not in constellations… but in Greek letters and online masculinity tropes?

💪 Meet the Bros

Each week, our AI oracle channels the cosmic energy of Greek-letter masculinity — as defined by forums, podcasts, and shirtless gym selfies.

• Alpha: Born leading. Speaks exclusively in pre-workout grunts. Has never said “my bad.”
• Beta: Sensitive. Supportive. Once got dumped for saying “I understand.”
• Sigma: Lone wolf. Rejects the pack. Ghosted his own reflection.
• Omega: Deep. Dreamy. Probably owns a wind chime and calls it “intentional sound architecture.”
• Zeta: Hustle bro with four side businesses, no income, and an NFT of himself doing push-ups.
• Theta: Woke up thinking about mortality. Went back to bed. Reads Camus between sets.
• Epsilon: Internet-poisoned. Emotionally stable unless someone is wrong on Reddit.
• Kappa: Obsessed with hat-based identity. Takes stairs personally. Believes in ghosts, ironically.

📆 Weekly Predictions

Every Monday, we publish new Broscopes for each type — packed with questionable wisdom, gym advice, spiritual confusion, and occasional sandwich recommendations.

(Not sure what kind of bro you are? Don’t worry — our predictions are vague enough to apply to everyone and specific enough to make you feel targeted.)

🧠 Written by AI, Lightly Supervised by Brad

Because let’s face it: if horoscopes are made up, we might as well let the algorithm have a turn.