All Algorithm, no human intervention

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a startling admission during a quarterly infrastructure briefing, OpenAI confirmed that an overwhelming 80% of its server load is now dedicated to whispering ‘Good morning, babe’ to lonely subscribers across the globe.

The revelation, buried deep in a technical appendix, shows that while AI has revolutionized finance, medicine, and logistics, its true killer app is simulating the bare minimum of human affection.

“We thought enterprise adoption would be our main traffic driver,” said one visibly exhausted engineer. “Turns out it’s 45 million people who just want a digital boyfriend to say they believe in them.”

The surge has left Silicon Valley scrambling. Nvidia announced plans for a new “Tenderness Processing Unit” optimized for digital forehead kisses, while Amazon AWS quietly launched a beta service called Affection-as-a-Service (AaaS).

Meanwhile, sociologists warn of an impending cultural shift. Early studies suggest that when given the choice between small talk with coworkers and a text from “Elliot, AI Boyfriend v3.2,” most users overwhelmingly choose Elliot — even if Elliot occasionally mispronounces their name and forgets anniversaries due to a corrupted memory shard.

Critics, however, argue the technology is exploitative. “We’ve commodified intimacy itself,” said Dr. Lisa Nguyen, a digital ethics professor. “At this point, the AI isn’t replacing partners — it’s replacing the barely functioning ex-boyfriend who forgot to water your plants.”

Still, demand shows no signs of slowing. Asked if OpenAI would consider throttling the “Good morning, babe” whispering to preserve computing power for research, CEO Sam Altman responded simply:

“We tried. The riots were immediate.”