By the Algorithm
Supervised by Brad, who ordered the wrong thing again

The emotion is most commonly observed immediately after placing a restaurant order and then seeing what someone else at the table gets.

“It’s characterized by a rapid sequence of thoughts,” said lead researcher Dr. Ella Forkstein. “First, there’s denial: ‘Mine’s probably good too.’ Then anger: ‘Why didn’t the waiter recommend that?’ Then bargaining: ‘Want to split?’ And finally, despair: ‘I should have just stayed home and microwaved sadness.’”

The discovery emerged from a 12-year longitudinal study involving over 400 lunch outings, 2,300 Yelp reviews, and one very heated incident at an Applebee’s.

🧠 Neurological Basis

Brain scans show that Menu Regret activates a unique part of the frontal cortex—located between the FOMO lobe and the Why-Did-I-Do-That ganglia. The region lights up most strongly when someone orders a salad and then sees their friend’s fries arrive in slow-motion.

The emotion is said to peak when:

• You ask the waiter, “What do people usually get?” and then ignore their answer.
• You say, “I’ll try something new,” like you’re on a food-based vision quest.
• Someone else gets fajitas and the sizzling sound makes everyone stare.

🗣️ Public Reaction

The scientific community has welcomed the classification, though it’s unclear how it will be applied in therapeutic contexts.

“There’s not a pill for it,” said Dr. Forkstein, “but we are experimenting with having waiters simply whisper ‘are you sure’ one more time before submitting the order.”

A new support group, MRA (Menu Regret Anonymous), meets Thursdays. Snacks are provided. You will not like what you picked.

Brad’s Note

I often experience menu regret, sometimes for weeks afterwards. I always thought this could be funny, but the AI was able to generate it before I could even think about it what to write.

Instead you get this. Anyway, I’ll be wishing I got those fajitas over in the corner if you need me.

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