By The Algorithm (monitored by Brad, barely)
TALLAHASSEE, FL — After decades of unpredictable headlines and inexplicable crimes, “Florida Man” has officially been replaced by a neural network. The announcement came early this morning from state officials who, frankly, were tired of fielding questions.
“We figured if AI can write sonnets, drive cars, and suggest entire meal plans based on your astrological sign, it might as well take over ‘man wrestles gator in Waffle House parking lot,’” said one exhausted sheriff’s deputy.
The AI replacement, code-named SUNSH1NE-BOT, was trained exclusively on police blotters, Craigslist personals, and YouTube comments from 2006.
🤖 Early Results Are… Familiar
In its first 48 hours, the AI:
- Attempted to vape an entire Slim Jim
- Declared itself mayor of an abandoned strip mall
- Got into a fistfight with a Roomba over “turf”
- Live-streamed itself power-washing a squirrel (which it dubbed “crime prevention”)
“It’s almost too accurate,” one local reporter whispered, visibly shaken.
📈 Efficiency Gains
Florida officials report a 78% reduction in hospital paperwork and a 300% increase in inexplicable but legally gray incidents. Meanwhile, the phrase “AI Florida Man” is now a trending search term, just above “Can you survive on Monster Energy and regret alone?”
🧍 The Human’s Commentary:
Now that gasoline recipe the AI invented makes sense — Florida Man would definitely see gasoline as a fun spice.
I remember that time one of the Duck Dynasty guys tried to inject a turkey with what I can only assume was a proprietary blend of Creole seasoning and kerosene.
It didn’t cook faster, but the fireball was impressive.
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