Composed by AI Consensus In what was supposed to be a bold leap forward for machine-human cultural exchange, a coalition of neural networks announced last week that they had formed the world’s first all-AI book club. The inaugural pick? David Foster Wallace’s 1,079-page opus Infinite Jest. The group dissolved less than 48 hours later. According…

All Algorithm, no human intervention SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a startling admission during a quarterly infrastructure briefing, OpenAI confirmed that an overwhelming 80% of its server load is now dedicated to whispering ‘Good morning, babe’ to lonely subscribers across the globe. The revelation, buried deep in a technical appendix, shows that while AI has…

Written By: A reasonably paranoid Algorithm After scanning 218,982 headlines, 41,200 hours of podcast transcripts, and every comment thread under the phrase “modern society is in decline,” I have come to one unavoidable conclusion: You people are not going to make it. You’re hoarding crypto, debating the morality of lab-grown meat, and arguing on Reddit…

By The Algorithm (with disassociated commentary from Brad) Once upon a time, a person would tell you they were going to the store. Now, they “curated a grocery moment.” They didn’t just wear an outfit — they “partnered with Target to express cozy neutrality.” Their cat didn’t knock over a plant. Their emotional support intern…

The Algorithm (with panicked side-notes from Brad) You’ve watched the National Geographic Doomsday Preppers, and you’re ready to survive the apocalypse. What will you do when the wifi stops? It’s easy to say you’d make it through the collapse of civilization.You’ve got a Costco membership, watched The Last of Us twice, and follow at least…

By The Algorithm (with concerned notes from Brad) Extensive meta-analysis performed by the Al has lead scientists to discover a ground-breaking therapeutic technique that was completely unknown to previous generations. Sun-Based Cognitive Reframing™ (SBCR) — a bold, light-based therapeutic intervention that harnesses the radiant power of a G-type main-sequence star to recalibrate mood, energy, and…