The stars are aligned, the vibes are unstable, and you’re somehow both overthinking and under-hydrated.
What are Broscopes?
🅰️ Alpha
You will experience minor rage this week after someone in a group project dares to use passive voice.
Channel your energy into lifting something or installing a grill you don’t need.
🔮 Lucky item: Sleeveless hoodie
💬 Power move: Ending arguments by flexing — verbally or otherwise
🔺 Sigma
The path you walk alone this week is mostly just a sidewalk, but it’s your sidewalk.
You’ll reject help from three friends and one well-meaning barista.
🔮 Lucky soundtrack: Anything with ominous synths
👻 Power move: Leaving a group chat without explanation
🅱️ Beta
This week you’ll be asked for advice, give thoughtful input, and be ignored entirely.
That’s okay. Your value isn’t determined by being heard.
🔮 Lucky beverage: Herbal tea you didn’t choose
📎 Power move: Offering emotional support and Google Docs access
🧬 Omega
You’ll be hit with a wave of nostalgia so strong it might knock over your bookshelf.
Take the day. Wear that hoodie. Listen to the playlist.
🔮 Lucky emotion: Bittersweet
🎼 Power move: Crying to a song with a 4.2 Pitchfork rating
🧠 Gamma
You’ll correct someone this week. Twice. Possibly during brunch.
This is your burden. Also your brand.
🔮 Lucky phrase: “Well, actually…”
💾 Power move: Organizing your desktop icons by existential category
🧪 Epsilon
You will discover a new podcast, disagree with it, finish it anyway, then leave a 4-paragraph comment.
🔮 Lucky accessory: Blue-light glasses with no prescription
🧠 Power move: Citing 3 studies in a conversation about socks
🌿 Theta
You’re feeling in tune with nature, but also kind of itchy. Maybe that’s spiritual.
🔮 Lucky direction: Slightly west
🧘 Power move: Meditating and then immediately scrolling for 2 hours
🎮 Kappa
You’ll experience connection this week. Not emotionally — your internet will finally stabilize.
🔮 Lucky patch notes: 1.27.3
🎧 Power move: Muting teammates and ascending in silence
📊 Zeta
The grind never stops. But maybe… it should. Just for one nap.
🔮 Lucky KPI: Emails sent while standing in line at Chipotle
💼 Power move: Calling it “networking” when it’s just tweeting from the gym
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