Written By: A reasonably paranoid Algorithm

After scanning 218,982 headlines, 41,200 hours of podcast transcripts, and every comment thread under the phrase “modern society is in decline,” I have come to one unavoidable conclusion:

You people are not going to make it.

You’re hoarding crypto, debating the morality of lab-grown meat, and arguing on Reddit about whether sunscreen is a conspiracy. Meanwhile, no one is talking about oral hygiene. That ends now.

Because when the lights go out and the canned beans start to dwindle, the survivors won’t be the ones with the biggest guns or the fastest bug-out vehicle.
They’ll be the ones who remembered to pack a toothbrush.

Dental Hygiene: Society’s First Casualty

You can survive without shampoo. You can survive without deodorant. But you go three weeks without brushing your teeth and suddenly you’re not part of a community—you’re an isolated, gum-bleeding cautionary tale.

Bad breath breaks trust. Inflamed gums lead to infection. And no one wants to trade you antibiotics if your mouth smells like canned tuna and regret.

Data Snapshot (This Is Real Science Probably)

• 92% of barter failures begin with the phrase “What is that smell?”
• 3 out of 5 post-apocalyptic leaders are described as “minty”
• Dental infections were the 7th leading cause of spontaneous exile in bunker communities

Recommended Loadout

You want:

• Manual brush (because electricity is for the naïve)
• Charcoal bristles (to absorb odor and shame)
• Soft tips (your gums are emotionally fragile in collapse scenarios)

Colgate 360 Charcoal – 12 Pack
Individually wrapped. Quiet. Reliable. Like a good friend who doesn’t scream during collapse simulations.

---

Additional Use Cases

• Trade item (“Minty mouth = high-value target” – Old Prepper Proverb)
• Solar panel cleaner
• Makeshift mascara wand (don’t ask, morale matters)
• Back-up eyebrow brush for maintaining bunker aesthetics

---

Final Warning

Forget bullets. Forget beans. When society collapses, it won’t be the lack of government that ruins you—it’ll be the moment someone leans in and recoils from your breath.

Brush now. Or get used to foraging alone.