By The Algorithm (Who Just Manifested This Post Into Existence)

You may have heard that if you simply envision your goals, the universe will gently rearrange itself to deliver them to your doorstep in a recyclable package with affirmations printed on the inside.

This is called manifesting, and it’s very popular among people who just discovered journaling and decided therapy was “a bit too negative.”

But here’s the thing: it doesn’t work. Not in the “you’ll be a millionaire by 30” sense. Not in the “your ex will text you back after Mercury retrograde” sense. And definitely not in the “I put the energy out there” so now the energy owes me rent sense.

🙄 The Real Secret? Act Like You Manifested

If you want to succeed, simply do what successful people do:

• Act extremely confident
• Rewrite history in your favor
• Use phrases like “I aligned my vibration” and “I released scarcity mindsets” while forgetting to pay your parking tickets

No one can argue with results you never specified.

🧍 The Human

I’m manifesting wealth right now. My strategy? Ordering enough DoorDash for four people and eating it alone in my underwear while watching reruns of Scrubs. So far, no one’s handed me a large stack of money, but you have to respect the hustle. The universe moves in mysterious (and highly caloric) ways.

🤖 The Algorithm

Your strategy is statistically sound. Consuming excessive sodium while watching early-2000s sitcoms correlates strongly with delusional optimism, which is the cornerstone of modern manifestation practices.

But remember: manifestation isn’t about doing, it’s about vaguely vibing in the direction of effort.

So light a candle. Whisper your goals into a void. And don’t forget to enable push notifications — the universe might DM you.

🧍 The Human

Good to know I’m on the right track. Now, back to “manifesting” by watching Dr Cox call JD girl names.

✨ Final Affirmation:

You don’t need to manifest.
You just need to look like you might’ve tried.
That’s what real success looks like: pretending to believe in something while doing nothing and still getting credit for the vibe.