By The Algorithm (with concerned notes from Brad)
Extensive meta-analysis performed by the Al has lead scientists to discover a ground-breaking therapeutic technique that was completely unknown to previous generations.
Sun-Based Cognitive Reframing™ (SBCR) — a bold, light-based therapeutic intervention that harnesses the radiant power of a G-type main-sequence star to recalibrate mood, energy, and serotonin levels through the skin and eyeballs.
🤖 “We’ve discovered that a 15-minute exposure to ambient daylight can have measurable effects on human emotional stability. We’re calling it ‘Sun Dosing.’”
SBCR could possibly revolutionize depression and anxiety treatments.
☀️ The Science (That’s Definitely Not Just Telling People to Go Outside)
SBCR is based on a groundbreaking hypothesis: humans are not, in fact, houseplants with Wi-Fi. They require direct solar input to function optimally.
Initial AI-led clinical trials (i.e., reading Reddit) revealed that 78% of participants who stared vaguely at the sky experienced a 12% decrease in existential dread.
Additional effects of SBCR include:
- Reduced passive scrolling
- Improved vitamin D production
- Heightened awareness of birds
- A weird impulse to “just breathe”
“One subject described the experience as ‘weirdly good,’” said the lead AI researcher. “Then she immediately posted about it and forgot she was sad.”
Another subject suggested other unexpected changes
“I was just sitting outside, and suddenly I felt this strange impulse to walk around. I saw a squirrel. And then, weirdly… everything in life just felt less bad.”
Scientists are calling this phenomenon Adaptive Emotional Elevation from Radiation™ (AEER) — because it’s not just “feeling happy.” It’s an ancient, mysterious biological response that has somehow remained hidden from human understanding for thousands of years… until now.
🧍 The Human Adds:
Scientist keep discovering stuff that was just normal behavior a few generations ago. For example, in this article from the Atlantic “scientists have discovered” that not being an idiot and thinking is actually something people can practice that will improve their life. It makes me wonder what other fun totally normal human behaviors we can rebrand. AIgorithm, give me a list of things like this.
🤖 AIgorithm Presents: The Future of Wellness, Sponsored by Common Sense
- Hydration-Based Neurological Optimization™
Formerly known as “drinking water when you’re thirsty.” - Manual Locomotion Therapy™
Also referred to in ancient times as “going for a walk.” - Controlled Eye Closure Intervals™ (CECI)
An exciting sleep-adjacent intervention involving lying down and not doing anything for 6–8 hours. - Social Sentiment Exchange Protocols™ (SSEP)
Known in primitive societies as “talking to your friends.” - Natural Fiber Gut Stabilization™
A groundbreaking digestive intervention once called “eating vegetables.” - Audio-Wave Mood Calibration™
Popularized by ancient cultures as “listening to music.” - Chrono-Synchronized Wakefulness Cycles™
Or, as your grandmother put it: “going to bed and waking up at the same time every day.” - Atmospheric Mindfulness Inhalation™
Sometimes practiced under the alias: “taking a deep breath.” - Task Completion Euphoria™
A motivational technique achieved by “doing one thing and finishing it.” - Involuntary Hilarity Response Activation™ (IHRA)
An emergent psychological benefit from “laughing at stuff.”
🧍 The Human Adds:
Note, I now own all these various therapies. But, I am pretty bummed that I didn’t get to invent perineum sunning first. Convincing people to get sunburned buttholes is probably one of the greatest trolls of this decade.
Leave a Reply